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Secret [15 Jan 2012|07:47pm]
I have to admit-- sometimes, when you're not drinking, I really wish you were.

You say the sweetest things to me when you've been drinking.

It's pretty unusual to get anything quite like that out of you when you're not.
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sometimes at night have this thought [10 Jan 2012|11:32pm]
Why is it that I'm alive?
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greetings, old friend [22 Dec 2010|07:18pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

After years of departure, I have returned.

Let the writing commence once more.

Back when I worked in the homeless intensive case management and rehab program, I had the pleasure of knowing an unusual man. He was a tall, african american male in his 40's, recently discharged from jail, and suffering from depression. I practically managed his case single handedly on my team because he actually was much too put together and intelligent to be in our program, but to the degree that he was bright he also lacked initiative and drive to make changes in his life. That's where I came in.

What he wanted most of all was to showcase art. He used to draw and lost all of his work after a storage unit he could not afford to pay was taken over. We started by visting local coffee shops and small art galleries and picking up business cards. He had no money, no connections, and a lot of fear. My job? I was a bit of a ball-buster on our team, and was good at getting difficult clients engaged. With time and a lot of rehab visits, he started to feel better, and began filling the pages of notebooks I brought him with art, proudly showing these to me each time I came to visit.

I remember the day he called the office to tell me that he had been assaulted and thrown out of a 2nd story house. I rushed to the hospital-- he was in really bad shape, having been stabbed and with a badly broken hip and leg. I remember him crying and offering him my hand to squeeze. I came to visit him every day while he was hospitalized. I waited for him to get out of his 2nd surgery with an art catalog in hand to offer him some comfort, just to look at something to help take the pain away..

After he recovered and returned to transitional housing, I had to sacrifice my soft side and sit him down for news he didn't want to hear: he was going to be discharged from the program, and he had 6 months to get himself in shape, including a job and a place to live. The second part of that conversation was that I was leaving the job to move to the east coast at the end of the week. He thanked me for the visit and what I had done, and quietly got up. He didn't speak to me again.

Today, I came to one of my all time favorite coffee shops, located in an older and bit more hippie part of town. I ended up sitting under a framed picture of a san francisco style abstract house in black and pink hues, for sale for $150, with a soft light cast on it, matted and beautifully framed.. It's an ink drawing made by this man, one of his older pieces, one probably drawn using the very pens and pencils I brought him back when I was first getting him set up in transitional housing.

What a gentle reminder of why I've chosen the path that I'm on....

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cats leave paw prints on your heart [13 Oct 2005|09:25pm]
[ mood | blah ]

so i guess it has come down to the fact that my beloved kitty, Mr. Boss (fondly, Bossy) got stolen. He started hanging out at the baseball field behind the apartment and then just didn't come home one night.. or the next.. at first i thought he was just having an affair on me, but i realized that he would not be back. I have checked the shelter listings and found on craiglist some post about the general disappearance of cats and little kitties around town, particularly another instant ON MY STREET. The shelter notified me that some steal those like mine (all black) as either decorational material or...well...objects of cruelty, aka torture.

Problem: even if he does, by some miracle, come home, he'll realize with utter dispair that mommy won't be home. I am moving out by saturday at around 3 pm....

Which i guess is great news. my moronic tendency roommate has decided to let the cats into my room again, so the infestation of fleas has begun once again. I'll bomb tomorrow afternoon...so i've been staying with jeff the past couple of days. I will be greatly relieved to escape the constant itching. I'm waiting for the people at my new place to get their act together and clean up before i come...I guess i'm really excited to live in a house again, i could use the room and the freedom.

I am going to (probably, fingers crossed!) get a new kitten; not a replacement, but a filler for the empty spot in my heart. I still cannot believe someone would take my lovable cat. But i found one in hillcrest, completely healthy, through the help of (once again!) craigslist. I'll decide by monday.

My jerk of a roommate is still eating my food.

what a pointless post!


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"If you step on people in this life, you're going to come back as a cockroach." [21 Sep 2005|02:36pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

So i guess i am out looking for a place to live again. The cockroaches finally did me in. When I was in the kitchen late last night post shower and homework, getting some wonderful chocolate chip cookies to enjoy with my wine glass full of milk, a disaster occured.

Something hit my head.

Right smack in the middle of my forehead, plummeting to it's tragic downfall, a little fucker smacked me, rolled, and proceeded to tumble further.

In case you have never heard a cockroach fall, try throwing some pinto or large lima beans on a hardwood floor. How do you like that?

Now, attach poor hygiene (poop crawling habits), 6 legs (or more? I personally haven't counted) and a tendency to eat your FAVORITE cookies (as well as trail mix, graham crackers, rice krisipie cereal, and authentic italian pasta) to one of those damn beans. Have a wonderful person (particularly, a roommate, or some other easily amused friend) drop that little surpise on your head from ceiling heigth at about 1 am. Simulate same circumastances as previously described (dark, quiet, wee hours, you're tired, showered, and studied to death).

Please report results. If possible, record screaming, cursing, throwing of arms, swinging hands in air or swatting of forehead, as well as pathetic and frantic running into bathroom, down stairs, into bedroom (and slamming door)or, lastly, fleeing the apartment.

Here's a portrait of the artist as a young man:


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Roll of thunder, hear my cry.. [20 Sep 2005|01:37am]
[ mood | excited ]

This thunderstorm is totally amazing. I went for a midnight walk in Ocean Beach (about 1 minute drive from my place) and hung out with some guys from seattle and a local guitar and vocalist, who produced songs on the spot. No more than 5 minutes after i arrived into the warmth of my home (just after 1 am), unlaced my new sneakers and sneaked up to check my email with a bowl of rice krispies in my lap, the rain began to fall. The thunder is slashing the sky and causing a fire-like arm to kiss the horizon of the ocean. As I was walking on the beach, i stared at the clouds, passing the moon (which was full this weekend, so it is still at the peak of its glory) and i started to wonder if it was the moon, passing the clouds, and what would happen if i could just freeze that moment, the wind in my hair, the smoke of a fire in my nostrills, and the incredible sense of relief strecthing within my lungs...

I went and fueled a dying fire on the beach with cardboard from a nearby trashcan. I watched the flames engulf the cardboard and layer it like paper mache or a french croissant. The paper curled and uncurled, dancing with the flames, a miniature form of the lightning dancing on the brink of the sea. I thought to myself, how fast it disappears, the paper. And in a moment it is gone- as if it was never even there. You never would have even known. We are like that too, in this world of ours, dancing in the flames only to disappear and return to air, fire, earth, and water. And then i thought to myself, furthermore, it is though i am god- a god of my own, with a little pit of a world, all by lonesome, enjoying a private spectacle of my very own lightning. I could almost feel how poweful this miniscule of time was in relationship to the rest of the universe...

Unfortunately, the thoughtful state i was in was abruptly shattered as the car alarm system of my next door neighbor in response to the roaring thunder.
* immitates * Beeep-beeeep-beeep-beeeep-bipbipbipbipbipb..... (for emphasis and clarity)

Anyway, this sort of weather makes me think, and feel, and wonder, and meditate, and write- although i would much rather be making love (for this is my favorite weather, and time for that matter for such activities), but since that option is already asleep, i better get going too, or in the blink of an eye the sun will rise again.

good to see you again.



a song....

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

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It's the night before finals.. [15 Dec 2003|04:19pm]
and during this past week,
a few joyous moments
have happened to me!

I had hit a mercedes
and my boyfriend I left
then an idiot opened a door
on my head
so I sped, driving 90
and what do i see!
two glorious lights
red and blue
behind me.

So here's what I'm thinking:
if this week was this bad,
then the worst of my worries
is yet to be had!

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in regards to [04 Dec 2003|10:27pm]
since I wrote that last, most recent entry, everything you can imagine has changed.

even me.

more to come soon....

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You have all said it, so I'll say it too... [20 Oct 2003|11:26pm]
I deserve better than this.
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I hate needles [16 Jul 2003|10:39am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I just got 5 shots.


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East Timor [21 May 2003|07:04pm]

You're East Timor!

You're small and lonely and have finally gotten free of a very bad situation. It seems like everyone was willing to rescue you, though the wait was excrutiating for everyone to wake up and set you free.

Now you're still lonely, but happier in the loneliness since you never really liked people to begin with.

And people respect you more than you really think they should, using you as an example for what they hope to accomplish.

Take the Country
at the Blue Pyramid

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The night before [04 May 2003|07:46pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

AP exams start tomorrow, and I have four to swallow before life will be peachy again. While a selected few of my classmates are extremely stressed, most, quite frankly, don't give a damn about these tests. I wish i could be like that.. but i can't. I feel the guilt eat away at my academic soul..

So i did everything Ms. Mc Millan said to do in preparation for the tests.

1) I ate good food. a LOT of it. and VERY good food. including the necessary Fat.
2) I excercised. I went for a walk. As opposed to the average 10-15 minute stroll, I was gone for an hour while walking my dog because we decided to go to the pond. My parents nearly called the police.
3) I went to bed early yesterday. Sacrificing the discover a few extra pages would lead me to, I decided to stop reading at 11:25 rather than 11:30.
4) I didn't write a single essay over the weekend. I mean, she ASKED. I can't refuse when someone insists with such passion.
5) I didn't study the night before.
6) I didn't study the night before the night before.
7) Actually, I didn't even study any of the nights before that either.

In addition.. i also promise not to eat orange juice and donuts tomorrow, primarly because 1) that doesn't sound tastey 2) orange juice makes me pee and 3) there won't be any orange juice nor donuts at the breakfast tomorrow. And I was actually thinking of being rebellious like my comrades for at least one moment..I'm sheer out of luck. Darn.

I'm such a good girl.. :: cheeky smile :: :)

Good luck on your AP Exams everyone !


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Down To Earth Day [22 Apr 2003|05:41pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

My ex dropped off my stuff today and took the toy dog house I bought for his brother. I haven't spoken to him in over a month, and haven't seen him in nearly 2..but it wasn't weird at all. It's strange how someone can hurt you so much that you only want to act like a smiling stranger and nothing more. That's how I felt standing before him. I don't know whether it was something at home, the drive up to San Diego, or general overall crappiness, but he looked like shit and everything around him reaked of smoke. I hope he's doing alright...surly I know it wasn't my doing. If anything, I should be the one looking like shit. But I'm happy..so i don't. :o) (yes, i'm still at the state where i have to tell myself i'm happy. its part of the rehab.)

how cute..

...isn't that cute? I'm one of those aliens..*smiles to self*

In case you didn't know, today is earth day.

That also means its "Car Free Day"

Every day is Earth Day for me.


p.s. ap Enviro review sessions 7-8:30 SUCK. What's worse is getting into a car with a scrippie.. what's better is meeting Sam and Drew at In n Out and catching a ride home with them instead. yay for old friends and warm french fries :o)

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Please Enter Your Password [21 Apr 2003|05:58pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

Something to brighten up your day....

title or description



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I feel pretty, oh so pretty... [20 Apr 2003|10:32am]
[ mood | chipper ]

my god, hearing adam sandler sing that while parked in the middle of a 2 lane highway next to Jack Nicholson singing "tra la la la la" has got to be the FUNNIEST movie moment i've seen all of spring break.

And so the last week of my high school career is coming to a close.

A recap of last week...

wednesday: I went on the field trip for AP Enviro..it was 30 minutes long! Unfortunatly, i went with the worst carpool imaginable... they pleaded with the driver (the only guy) to go to fashion valley, where they proceeded to go goo goo ga ga over prom dresses and $60 bathing suit tops. "oh, that's so cute!" is a line i never, ever want to hear again. Wednesday was also day of silence, and I did stay silent for the most part while i was on campus. It wasn't bad at all. The worst part of the day was in Mc Millan's class, where Sam and Jessica were the only other participants. We were in a group to work on this activity and she separated us and told us to work alone, going so far as to give us EXTRA assignments. i'm working on not cussing so much so all i'll say is..Bitch. The day ended with an ap review session after school.

sometime early last last week i also dumped my prom date. Not sure when that was..

Thursday: we had this IDIOTIC disaster drill during which I ended up sitting on the freaken FOOTBALL field for like 45 minutes! Hello...SUNBURN???? and if its a drill for TERRORISTs don't you think they could shoot us all if we're in one tiny place with exits blocked by staff? I spent most of the time talking on my cell phone with bardia..we ended up walking arouond the whole field waiting for that stupid thing to end.

Friday: the last RO day of my career. Lots of fun times.. although, i've notice i've kind of grown out of it. I really enjoyed and put all i had into it this time, like all the rest. The best part was seeing all the alumni, some of whom graduated 3 years ago and came back to visit; i was really surprised at how many of those people, despite their outstanding high school profile and ambitious attitude, ended up going to community college..even those that got scholarships! good food, good times, cute shirt and nice rosy cheeks.

Friday night I went over to Bardia's house and had dinner with his family. That was SO much fun.. just thoughth i'd let the world know that he has this ID card from 9th grade that you simply cannot NOT go without seeing. I spent a good hour trying to take it away from him, and I succeeded, several times..but he got it at the end. damn. My all time favorite thing in his house was this silk rug he has.. i literally sat and stroked it, it captivated me so much.

Saturday: I spent the day at home.. reading angela's ashes if i remember correctly. In the evening i went with Bardia's family to La Jolla where, once again, I had an awesome time. I can't believe you guys have never been out on that splash pier thing before... Bardia, Shaheen, and I got totally soaked. It was WORTH IT. We spent the entire evening walking around La Jolla, went into a few funky little shops and had delicious dinner (i had linguini with goat cheese and alfredo) at this outdoor bar where we had an ocean view. So, so many laughs.

Sunday: Mother daughter day. Went shopping and had lunch. My mom bought me this really cool body spray in Vetyver scent. Now i can smell like grass. I had every intention to go to meditation class.. but I had a really bad migrane because my brain cells were protesting and, as you know, in democracy majority rules. So i didn't go. Instead my mom went through her jewelry collection and gave me all this stuff that she wants me to take so I can wear it in college.. thanks mom!

Monday: My sister took my mom out to base for her bday/mother's day shopping treat. I stayed at home and did homework like a good little girl.

Tuesday: Went with my mom to her ortho appointment where I spent a good solid hour studying for Euro. Afterwards, we went.. um.. shopping. At home I cleaned a lot. In the afternoon, my ex from sophomore year came by to drop off some herbs and we spent 2 1/2 hours driving all over the place and catching up. Good times, it was so fun to see that guy again. I've been doing that a lot lately..getting back to people I haven't been in close touch with for a while. Anyway, he even offered to help me with a certain sex related misfortune. Haha, thanks Arya. If the problem persists, I promise i'll give you a call.

Wednesday: my sister and her daughter came over. We had lots of fun eating popcorn, watching ducks, and the usual fun stuff. The funniest thing was when my mom said something to my sister and she responded with "No shit!" in a loud, excited voice...and immediatly the next thing you hear is 2 1/2 yera old Sasha saying "haha.. No shit!" lol, it was classic.

The whole time while Bardia was at Davis and Irvine we were texting.. 100 messages or something like that.

Thursday: lol I can't remember what i did. Sorry guys! oh.. to make you jealous.. I got 3 APES labs, an english journal entry, the english study guide, 60 AP euro notecards, as well as 75% of my spring project done while on vacation. so..Ha! I also talked to Alex online..he's chosing between Harvard and Yale and he cannot make up his mind! poor him..*snicker* We had an interesting converstion, mainly him talking, unburdening some old stuff, remembering moments of the past. Here's the irony: I recieved the appology I have been waiting for for over a year..and when it came, I didn't want it. It's like I waited so long for it that I stopped waiting long ago. I really didn't care about it anymore, which I didn't realize until the very moment that it came. I've closed the chapter of that book. What's done is done, and I cannot wish that guy anything less than the best in everything.

Friday: I have news. Bardia officially asked me out. I knew it was coming! And I, officially, said..yes. Surprised? quite frankly, with the amount of fun we've been having the past few weeks and how well we go together, I really don't see a reason NOT to date him. Not to mention, it's about time i had a healthy relationship, and crap from my old one has passed more than a month and a half ago. Anyway.. I had 5 1/2 hour date with him. We went to this incredibly beautiful field/park in Ranch Bernardo, where we discovered 3 abandoned bathroom/shed like structures and a really wrecked car. We kissed. Aww.. yes. It really was sweet. We also had lunch and watched Anger Management. I can't say it could have been any more fun :o)

Saturday: grocery shopping and homework, talking with lots of friends online

Sunday (today): Orthodox Palm Sunday. Ate a delicous meal of roasted lamb in red wine, salad, and a Kinder Surprise for desert.

I know it doesn't sound as exciting as going to london or spending 3 days at Yale..but I got a lot done and i've developed some really new and really positive thoughts and feelings, and have re kindled relationships with connections i once lost. I have to say this has been one of the best spring breaks i've had simply because, sitting here and knowing that it's over, I feel happy. :o)

I think i'm back to my optimistic self.

I hope everyone had a fantabulous spring break!


p.s. Did you know today is hitler's birthday? Happy easter everyone!

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Surprises- Good and Bad [06 Apr 2003|11:20am]
[ mood | happy ]

Friday: Powder puff game! I convinced Zach to put away his depression and come out to watch the game. He came.. but ditched me half way through. boo him for that. In our company was Sam, Drew, Bardia, Jen, James, and I. Yay for seniors for winning, though the highlight of the game were the 2 streakers wearing tightie whities that ran across the field, hopped the fence, up the bushes, over the fence, up the ramp, and across the street heading towards the library/business park. I hope the cops didn't catch them.. it the most exciting show of the evening. Definitly caught me by surprise!

It was what happened AFTER the game that left me feeling very odd, uncomfortable and disturbed. To protect the not so innocent i will not mention any names, but let's just say that if i wasn't there, 2 people could very well have had sex on the band room parking lot. I'm sorry, but that was just disgusting. "What's the problem? i'm just trying to turn him on! *giggle*" How slutty and vulgar can people allow themselves to be??? have they lost all sense dignity, or just the public image half?? Is it really necessary to prove your sexuality by sitting on multiple people's laps and grabbing random crotches? and WHY was the favor returned!?

This was the horrible surpise of the weekend. I would rather call it shock.

Needless to say, I'm having 2nd, 3rd, and 4th thoughts about Prom; the current plan just lost all worth it had. Not to mention, I already know someone else that wants to go with me, and a back up even for that option.

Tell me, is it possible to dump your prom date?

*bangs head on keyboard* If only I could get those nasty images out of my head!!!

Definitly need to think things over. Fast.

In the meantime, on to better thoughts. I went to go watch the Pianist yesterday. It was absolutely brilliant.. a very emotional film of my favorite genre, Drama. Very differnt than any movie I have seen about the Holocaust,captivating both in its content and the haunting music. If you havn't seen it, go: you're missing out.

Aside from Bardia accusing me of repeating a rather inappropriate word in public instead of saying the title of the movie, the night went very well. As usual, lots of laughs.

As for the day, I performed a multitude of household chores, and spent hours engaged in very interesting conversations with a particular somebody. I am incredibly intrigued. How can 2 random people have so much in common? I won't try to analyze it..but it left a smile on my face all day. That was the best surprise of the weekend.

On the horizon of Sunday morning/afternoon: Aerospace powerpoint. Essay. Stats homework. Angela's Ashes. APES labs. Euro reading. Yay.

I guess the only highlights for today will be Meditation class, 6 feet under, and the possibility of helping Natalie with her tummy paint job.

oh, and reciving an email. of course. :)

enjoy the beautiful sunday!


p.s. Brynn, if you're around, can you please call me? we really need to talk.

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Past couple of days [03 Apr 2003|08:56pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

March 30 came and went. recieved a rather sentimental email that i read and..well, that's it. A rather non emotional occurence despite the fact that, had i stayed together with my ex, it would have been our one year anniversary. I actually didn't even realize its the 30th until i got home around 9 pm. and even then, my only reaction was.."oh." shows how much i've healed.
Other than homework and other misc. activities, I went to meditation class, where we are almost done with the form (big big YAY), had a rather interesting discussion with gabe followed by a VERY fun evening with a friend.

Did i mention it was really hot?

so my april fool's joke went over beautifully. Not only did i get the things i aimed for (a smile and surprise) but i also got an "I can't believe she did that to me!!!". Haha. always a compliment.

senior exhibition was a breeze..i only got through 2/3 of my presentation though when they cut me off.oh well. 107/110, with one point marked off because Ms.Bente doesn't like it when i use dashes in my essays- she prefers commas. For all you underclassmen out there, really, don't stress. This whole exhibition thing is REALLY over rated.

I went to see the senior play "last act" or "one night only" with Bardia, and ended up also hanging out with Drew and Sam. Lots of funny things happened both before and after. Oh man. can i say "weeeeeeeee!" awesome times.

tomorrow is the powederpuff game, so that will be hang out time with either james or bardia (or both) saturday maybe a movie, and sunday i get to paint Natalie. I'll bring stencils!!

gotta have fun before those AP exams.

woo hoo!


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A Thick One [29 Mar 2003|10:11pm]
YES!!!!!!!! I got into PLNU!!!!

i've been so anxious while waiting for this moment...

It's all coming together now. :)

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i'm a busy busy bee [23 Mar 2003|09:31am]
[ mood | busy ]

While yesterday was a chore/fun day of doing laundry and hanging out with Brynn (a 4 1/2 girl talk lol) it leaves today with way too much to be taken care of.

Things to do today:
* read a chapter for Euro
* make 40 notecards for McMillan
* eat duck
* make 2 journal entries for the above itch
* also make the 100 question study guide for the above
* contemplate the meaning of life
* make some sort of outline for the Portrait essay, again for mcmillan
* 9 long AP stat problems
* Chat
* Environmental Shrimp Lab (still haven't finished!)
* water lab
* March Article
* an enviro issue packet
* pack up 3 scholarships; finish 2 more essays
* day dream
* make Senior Exhibition Power point; coordinate speech
* possibly go to meditation class
* shower, do my make up, put up my hair
* take polaroids of me in both of my prom dress for people at school to vote.
* write up some cadence for RO Day
* watch 6 feet under
* listen to Yan Tiersen cds (thanks keith!)
* sleep

i'm probably going to get almost everything done on there.. except for the EURO reading and probably not stats. well maybe stats. growl. there are some things i have no motivation to do, like euro, but at least stats i'll feel better once i have it done.

there i go convincing myself again. I hate it when i put myself through that.

senioritis, please spare me today.


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heavenly [21 Mar 2003|09:32pm]
born between the light of evening
and the shadow of the day
a white puff emerged unnoticed
in the air above your gaze

like a lilly on the water
floating through the blue eyed sky
catch the smile as it blossoms
on a breathless afternoon

sweet as that which dreams are made of
warmth of breath upon the breeze
left the dew drops fall on vastness
white and soft as winter snow

hair uncoiled in the shadows
hearts unveil, the fingers twined
laughter soft and kisses sprinkled
upon heavens made of cloth

an illusion hung with clothpins
left to dance upon the wind
caught the sunlight's eye this morning
let the hopeless dreams ascend

have you seen the silver lining
left between unspoken words?
you may say the sky is empty
but today I was a cloud.

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